Confessions of a Complex Mind.

I was always brought up to not show sad emotions. In fact, if you did show such a thing- you would be punished. I learned at a young age that showing such things to people was a sign of weakness and was not acceptable. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable you were just setting yourself up for a fall. Your main duty was to protect yourself & the best way you could do that was not having people know when you felt hurt. By letting them, you were giving them the power & you never want to lose control of a situation.

Growing up in this environment I learned to function on two emotions: Happiness & Anger. I rarely find myself in the middle. If I do, it’s a foreign feeling & is quickly reacted with anger. Part anger because I am allowing myself to feel pain due to something or someone… and part anger because I don’t know how else to deal with it. It’s outside my comfort zone, and it scares me.

 I have nearly perfected the control I have over my emotions. I try to stay a few steps ahead of situations, and if I sense the possibility of it resulting in pain- I remove myself from the situation. Being so protective of ones self causes the outside perception of you to become: cold. I have been told on many occassions that I am:

Incapable of feelings

Cold hearted

Robot Like

… and so on.  

The truth is I am not any of those things. I still do have these feelings.. I just don’t show them.

Recently, for the first time in a long time- I got hurt by another individual. I still haven’t accepted or worked my way through it, and it’s been bothersome. The typical thoughts run through my mind:

I should be smarter than this.

How did you not see this coming?

You are allowing this to happen to you. 

I am angered I allowed myself get vulnerable enough to be hurt by another individual. I know it’s only human to have these emotions, and it happens- I just can’t accept it. I feel foolish for being so weak. I feel foolish that it took little effort on that person’s behalf to leave me out on my own. Truthfully, I feel set up. The worst part of all of it is, I never listened to my gut.

I choose to have faith in people. My downfall in many situations. I then become stuck in a inner debate between being more weary && not allowing someone else ruin my faith and outlook on life. I want to close up so bad and not give people chances…

but then I think, “I don’t want this person to change me. I don’t want them to have this control over my life, and ruin my true spirit.”

Then it all leads down to the same spot. I pick myself up & face the world with optimism and faith- no matter how foolish I may feel. Because I can’t let situations break me down. I can’t allow myself to give in to the bad. Otherwise I will lose who I am and everything I truly believe in…

&& I do not want to live a life of no faith. Without faith, there is no purpose to tomorrow.

So for that-

I must stay strong.

I must present my best Poker face. 

I must go on.. Because the world doesn’t stop for your feelings. 

As one of my friends recently said, “It will all be worth it one day.” 

-K.G.C 

Usually when I find myself on this blog it is due to something I care to rant about. Today is a bit different because I am just here simply to get the satisfaction of writing. I normally am a very social person but from time to time I get a great desire to be alone. There is nothing more fulfilling for me than the moments I get to be alone with my thoughts. It’s the only time I ever face my true feelings on life. I sometimes wonder if I am social because I like people, or if I am social because it distracts me from myself. It’s almost as if I use it as an avoidance tool from facing myself. I have always been an expert on avoiding things I don’t care to deal with. If it makes me uncomfortable or forces me to be vulnerable- I will avoid it, not just with other people, but even with myself. Being this way has worked for me, but anyone else who deals with things in this manner- knows the worst thing that can happen to such an individual… and that is having someone confront exactly what you are doing. The moment when someone calls you out and is 100% correct is the most terrifying moment. Even more so when they won’t let you walk away from it this time. The natural reaction from such a person is anger. I get very upset with someone who took the time to pay attention, and then address it. The reaction from someone like me is to completely shut down all contact with that person. It is dysfunctional to handle it this way, but the first thought is to protect oneself. To accept it- you would have to be vulnerable, and lets face it- you’re not going to trust anyone enough to allow that. 

This is the only way I have ever known to be- but what really fascinates me in the moments I have to myself, is how much I avoid even being vulnerable with myself. In reality when I am, like today being alone, it is absolutely freeing. I enjoy addressing all things I work so hard to block out every other day. I see myself and life in a new light- but at the end of days like this, it all leads down the same exact path- ways to assure others won’t figure you out. Isn’t that an odd thought to constantly keep throwing around in your mind? It’s a lot of work to try and be a step ahead of others- to take into consideration things and thoughts that other people don’t even give a second to. You also have to ensure that no one notices that is what you are doing, because if they were to- they would realize how little of you they truly know. How much work you put into not letting them get close, and their first thought would be that you’re relationship with them is a fluke. When the truth is- I truly do care for others… very deeply- I just won’t allow that in return. I am sure many people would feel sorry for me, thinking- How can one live life this way? The truth is… I find great satisfaction in the way I live life. For me, I have put such great importance on trusting an individual- that when I meet or find someone who I will be myself with- it is that much more amazing and important to me. If I were vulnerable with everyone, then how would it be special for anyone who I truly care about? To me I measure love by the bond I share with someone- if everyone else can experience the same thing, than it’s not unique- therefore not special in my eyes. The issue with thinking like this is- when someone else isn’t the same way, I don’t realize that even though others get them in the same manner- doesn’t diminish what I have with them. 

Aren’t communication styles something? 


-K.G.C 

Today I caught myself in another rant… Not very shocking for me.

I am unsure what brought it on but some where out of the blue I turned to my mother and began ranting about how hard it is to be a driven/independent/single woman.  

Lets start with the reaction that people give you when they find out you are single:

“Oh! WHY is that!?” 

Here is what is going through their head:
I wonder what’s wrong with her…

Why does something have to be wrong with me? Why do I only get judged on this factor alone? I personally think there is more wrong with girls who are in relationships than my self. Granted I do have some weird quirks, issues, and what not. But nothing in comparison to the some of the females who are with a guy due to the lone fact that the guy liked them. See these girls will rarely get evaluated as quickly as a girl answering that she is in fact still single. I mean- she got a guy, she can’t be that bad. Well- evaluate some of the guys these girls are with, and then try to tell me I have a problem. For a small while I did ask myself, “How are all these girls getting boyfriends, but I am not?” I will tell you why: Because I am not taking any guy who is able to throw a few sweet words my way and happens to be around a lot. That’s another thing- many of these people are in relationship due to convenience .. “Hey, we are already sleeping with each other- and you’re always around.. why not make it official?”  

”You’re too picky..”

Really? Again- it’s my fault… Why am I not just being more “open minded.” ? Open minded is code for lower your standards. Guess what? Not happening. If wanting someone who can form sentences, be respectful, look presentable, and have a good sense a humor… is TOO much? Well I am completely fine staying single for life. Seems to me that you are not picky enough, and if you are okay with settling in life- that’s your deal, but don’t come around judging me. 

”My friend _______ is single too”

That’s great! Please give me their contact so we can keep in touch… Our club that meets once a week could always use a new member! Really? Does me being single make you that uncomforable that you have to comfort me by telling me I am not alone? I know I am not alone- the planet is huge. 


Those are just a few of the annoying comments people make when they find out you are a lone ranger. If you come from a culture like mine- It also gets a reaction of pity and sadness. That reaction is usually one that consists of the idea that you must be extremely misfortunate and depressed over the fact of being single. They seem to discredit everything else the lady has going for her, if she doesn’t have a man. As if it has no value otherwise. My aunt’s neighbor is a very successful, wealthy, single woman. No one takes into account that she could be happy with everything she has- and that marriage means nothing in the case of her happiness. The most common phrase is, “Well what can you do, I bet she wishes she had a man too.” Why is that? Why is it so hard to maybe accept that she is happy without being married. She travels the world, is on top of her career, has boyfriends- it’s not like she is appalling or anything. It just angers me to think that she has devoted her whole life to success and it shows- and that people would discredit it just because she isn’t married.

- K.G.C 

 

whererwerunning:

Women’s favorite place to socialize is in bathrooms. Bathrooms transform into portals where a complete stranger’s opinion validates your life’s existence. Exchanges span topics from family & relationships to clothes & style. While most content is protected in an unsaid pact, there are a few…

I don’t really know how many people actually read this blog so far- but I do know that only a handful of people know my true identity. The alias I go by for this blog is ‘Kennedy G. Carmichael’

Before I explain why I go by this alias, let me talk about a few other items.
 

First off, my real name is not horrible at all. I actually love my name. Then again I am more bias to this considering it’s the only name I have ever actually had [till now :P ]. What I truly like about my name is the rarity in it. I have never been in a situation where I have had to share my name with anyone. Due to this- Even hearing of anyone else who has the same name as me bothers me. I think, “You can’t have that, it’s mine.” It is quite foolish to think that my name only belongs to me… but due to not having to ever share it in real life situations, my mind naturally only relates it to me. #Selfish 

That leads me to this question: Does a name make you, or do you make the name?
I often look at people and think, “You don’t look like a Kate, but more like a Jen.” Is it because that person does not live up to the name of Kate, or that the person just makes a Jen? I wonder if over time we meet so many Kates that we make a general idea of what all of them had in common, and then consider that to be a trait of a “Kate” If that is the case then  are those of us that have a rare name,  left to define the name for what it shall be known for? I mean the chances of someone I meet knowing a person already who has my name is low, leaving it up to me to define the association they have to this name from here on out. So the next time they meet someone with my name, they will automatically trace it back to me and do a comparison. With a common name you take a gamble on how interactions may go for you. For example, lets take the name Jen again- If the person you meet happens to know a really amazing Jen prior to you, chances are you are going to automatically be found more likable by the individual. Now the complete opposite could be true too- say they know a horrible Jen… you are then left fighting this idea from the get go. If you do anything unpleasant the individual more than likely will think, “What would you expect from a Jen… #AdmitYouveHadThatThought  #Guilty

So what holds the power, you or the name?

Why do I write under an alias? Truly it’s because of the freedom I get under this name. It allows me to escape reality and myself. We all have many sides to ourselves, and my inner self is someone I don’t expose to many people. After time of trying to keep everyone out, you realize all you have done is kept yourself in. Creating an alias to share my true feelings is an outlet for me. When I can’t take the real world and just need a break, this new name allows me to do so. It’s like I defined my real name a certain way , that when I have a weak moment or a characteristic that goes against the definition i have given it… I feel as if it isn’t allowed. So the power that I gave to the name, becomes the power over me. The truth is that it’s all just me- I know that. I am not delusional or unwilling to accept all the parts of my personality. I just enjoy the freedom behind an alias. It’s like when you travel to a new country and think, “Their rules don’t really apply to me… I’m not from here.” #AdmitYouveHadThatThought

The new name given to a part of me is just a way to be free of a definition… To color outside the lines. 

-K.G.C

Today I have chosen to discuss this phrase with you.  I have lived in Minnesota for the majority of my life. One thing that I had to spend time learning was how to be, “Minnesota Nice.” You see, where I am from originally is a culture of no filters, apologies, or excuses. You say what you think, and no one is to take offense. I mean you are just one person of millions, and just because I find what is coming out of your mouth displeasing- doesn’t mean I am to believe it or take it as the final word. You are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to not give a fuck.

Here though- it’s a totally different story. You not only are not to share things that might be displeasing, but you avoid topics that could possible arise disagreement. We spend so much time beating around the bush and sugar coating things, that even when we are being direct people automatically assume, “there must be more to it.” So no one ever takes you for face value, and we spend countless hours dissecting your statements to find out the true meaning. 

This is exactly why females waste so much time with Jerkoffs.  The guy will as clear as day brush you off after he has gotten what he wants, or realized he won’t be getting what he wants… and then the girl will tell her friends about how he has been ignoring her and rather than the friends being blunt they will reply back with, “He probably likes you too much and is scared that he will be hurt.. so that is why he has been distant.” Seriously?! Are we fucking kidding ourselves here people?! Why is it so hard to accept that some people will not like us, some people will not find us attractive, some people will think we are not worth it… And it’s OKAY! It does NOT define you. What’s it to you if someone doesn’t like you? Who is to say they are really worth anything more to be making that call on your whole self? I mean you know yourself- don’t you like yourself?

That’s another thing… we aren’t even allowed to like ourselves. If you dare mention how awesome you think you are, or actually truly love yourself… you get marked as conceited. So we hold back praising ourselves, but have no problem picking out flaws- because that is how you fit in. Well excuse me, but I don’t see why I should feel so bad about thinking I am awesome. I mean think about it: You spend every single fucking moment with yourself. If you don’t like yourself, it’s going to be a long life. I mean if you had to spend that much time with another person, you would have to learn to love them, for your own sanity. Why does it have to be any different for yourself? Also- once you do begin this love affair with yourself, you will want and expect better… because you will know how great you really are and you won’t want that going to waste. <—— This is where you break your jerkoff cycle. 

The thing is society has not reached this yet. So if you do love yourself, you will get labeled as conceited and full of yourself, and if you do say it like it is- you will be called a bitch… but guess what? It’s your right to not give a fuck. Their labels mean nothing, and until you stop putting value to it, it will control you and the outcome of your future.

It’s pretty simple- you have the choice to be happy, and have control of your life… or you allow other things to control your life and pay the price of your happiness. Life is all about trade offs. You have to pick the worth of things. When you stop caring about what other people say, is when you regain the power. 

-K.G.C

The concept of this seems Stone Age for many of us. We live in a world where we are used to many of the freedoms we have and being forbid to not be with someone due to differences is hard to wrap our mind around. Many people are free to love as they please, but not all of us have this luxury. Some of us come from different parts of the world where the concept of Forbidden love is part of our every day.

If you are brought up in a culture like this, you realize how important it is to your family for you to follow through with this only request. At first it seems simple- you just have to avoid the possibility of falling for someone who falls in the forbidden category. You come to realize some people might get an exception based on some technicalities in the “rule”. Even knowing this you still tread lightly on that idea.

I come from a world like this. I come from a part of the world that had a huge conflict, and that left the area divided by religious differences. You are to never love the enemy, and if at all possible avoid anyone who is even associated to the enemy based on shared religion. Of course loving someone of the enemy’s religion, but who isn’t from the same country as them is a “loop-hole” to the rule. The family can easier swallow it, than if it was the actual full package. Even if it is easier accepted, you still don’t want to do it.

It is easy to understand why the family feels like this, but what is it like living with these guidelines?  If I was still in my birth country it would be a lot easier on me, but I am not- I am now, and have been for the majority of my life, in the United States. I am constantly surrounded by the forbidden. In the perfect world I would just happen to fall in love with a guy who is from the same background as me, but in reality- the likelihood is slim. I tell myself this doesn’t affect me, and put it out of my mind. I am young; it will all work out one day… but what if it doesn’t? What if I fall for the forbidden? Am I just more drawn to it due to the fact that it is forbidden? Will the loyalty I hold to my family lead me to a life of solitary?

I always grew up jealous of my American friends who didn’t have these pressures on them. They were able to be unguarded in this sense, and live based on emotions if they so choose to. I could never have this vulnerability and had to keep my guards up at all times. I had to analyze ten steps in advance every situation to avoid possible feelings for what is not allowed. Once you train yourself to live like this- it becomes impossible to think any other way. You become an expert at being guarded, but giving the illusion that you have feelings. You start giving expiration dates to guys you meet prior to it getting serious. You think- it will only last a couple months, and then I will cut ties before it gets too serious. You become unfair to these men. They never have the slightest clue that you aren’t as involved as you lead them to believe. You begin to feel guilt for doing this, and next you isolate yourself. You don’t allow yourself to even date, because it is only unfair- when you know you can’t/won’t give yourself 100% to them. The worst thing is not even being able to tell them- because they can’t even wrap their minds around why you don’t have this freedom of the heart. I mean you’re in America, and it’s a different time- this is surreal to them.

If you never get lucky to fall for one of your own… you will hit a crossroad, it’s one you hope never lands at your feet but as years go on seems more and more the reality. The choice to: betray the family and follow your heart, or stay loyal and pass up true love.

The fear of this decision has haunted me since I first had butterflies for a boy. The fact that the moment is tainted with this angers me, but it’s the cards I was dealt in life. It is something I have learned to accept, and become a master at controlling. I mainly don’t get involved to spare others of being caught up in my complex reality. I know how hard it is to understand and accept, and I am not attempting to bring anyone down with this. This is just my reality, but it doesn’t have to be forever.

As you grow older you begin to see that the only person who has to live with your choice every day is you… and my family, they will come around to it. It might not be the easiest path, and I might be putting it off as long as I possibly can but the right to this freedom is all any of us really want, and it’s bigger than all of us. You just have to give in one day to something bigger than you, and everything else will fall in to place.

I am just on the path of finding the courage to give in. It’s a journey for me, but each step towards it- no matter how small it may be, is still a step away from the confinement I have accepted to feel.

-K.G.C

In the midst of hopping up on energy drinks and attempting to get some work done… I quickly accepted the first distraction that came my way. It just so happened to be a great friend of mine. During our rambling about anything that came to mind I came to a conclusion about myself.

I am an expert on being single. On how to be single, and ensure to stay single.  

What a quality to have right? Well- turns out I really like myself a lot, and I like what I have going on. I don’t want just anyone coming in and messing with my mojo. So when the wrong type comes around… I am prepared to protect my singleness.

Oh you like me do you? Well allow me to destroy that idea. You may ask why would you want to do this?! WELL- I recommend in only using this against the jerk type guys that I described in my previous post: http://kennedy-carmichael.tumblr.com/post/20624280722/dont-hate-the-player-just-destroy-their-game-part

You might think- but the guy I like isn’t anything like the guys you described.

Okay, well that’s fine- but lets just say he doesn’t end up being prince charming… you may as well stock up on some useful tools in case, right?

First move of protecting your singleness-

             If a guy mentions liking me- I usually reply with, “You don’t want to like someone like me…” It’s only fair to give them a warning right? They will more than likely think you are playing hard to get, and you just say- “It’s hard to explain, but we can hang out…” Then you give your cutest smile. This step is important so that when you do blow things, you can go back to this like a contract and state, “I told you when we met…” [You might recognize this trick from the previous post about methods players use. It can be molded to work for your benefit too]

Second move of protecting your singleness-

            
             The moment I realize there is a slight attraction towards me I pull back all attention I was giving that person. I do this by “wandering off” in social settings and making sure they witness how much fun I am having not being around them. You then go back and pay them some attention, because the key is to give them mixed signals till their mind blows up. No one likes complicated people.

Third move of protecting your singleness-

             Refer at appropriate times about what a great friendship you have. If you are like me you will take it up a notch and even offer to wing-girl them at the bar. Throw in a couple lines of, “I think she’d be cute for you!” At this point they are thinking you are not into them- and when they accept the offer, you act slightly down. That mixed signal stuff again, eventually will ensure they give up on you for good.

Fourth move of protecting your singleness-

             After doing all this stuff you then avoid them. Just become too busy and then let it fizzle out. They will eventually decide you are far too complicated and complex to like. Then once they have finally moved past the idea of liking you, you reappear in their life… just fun and as if nothing happened. #totalmindfuck

As always there are many ways but I am just highlighting the ones that come to mind. The key to executing all these properly is being subtle and using your sweet girl innocence to your advantage. They expect you to be kind and sweet, so give them that image on the surface. They will never suspect that you are intentionally screwing with their mind.

-K.G.C

I often like to take time out of my day and go over the things in life I am grateful for… and one of the things is: My Cab Driver. I think what every girl my age needs is a good cab driver.

Now cab drivers provide the basic benefit to you: A safe ride home after a night of drinking. It’s a great alternative on that alone, because no matter the price- it will be cheaper than a DUI.

BUT… a good cab driver can provide more for you than this. The other role they play is a therapist. Yes, you did read that right. Now it can’t be just any cab driver. It takes time and serious work to find the suitable one for you, and maybe you will never have the luck… but I did. My cab driver is this smooth old school black guy. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I would give up my first born before giving up my cab driver.

 Let me paint a picture for you:

You prepare yourself for a great evening. You’re out with great company and before you know it you have had one too many. Now you are having a blast… you are flirting with the guy you like, you’re excited. Then comes the moment we dread, bar close… but there are two words that make bar close not a moment to dread, “After Bar.” You look around to find your crush and there he is with his tongue down some trampy girls throat. You’re crushed, because the alcohol in your system has made you more dramatic. In sober land this wouldn’t even faze you, and you probably wouldn’t even crush on him in sober land… but in drunk land- it’s a whole different story. So you are upset and don’t know what to do.

Well- this is where I dial my cabbies digits for a ride. Not only is he safely transporting me to my next location, he is also listening to me unload all my anger to him. He listens through the whole thing, never disagrees, and builds your self-esteem back up. He will bash this loser with you, explain how much better you are than this, and give you great advice on how to give this sucker a taste of his own medicine. Where else can you get all this for under thirty bucks?!

It used to be one of my best-kept secrets, but it is time I shared this with the world. I strongly suggest everyone go out and take the time to find this for them. Your drunk you will thank you. Trust me.

-K.G.C

I have chosen to skip day three of the letter challenge, which is not surprising coming from me. I rarely ever do things in the steps you are supposed to take. I figure thirty days does not mean 30 consecutive days.

The topic I have chosen to write about today is Men, or in most cases boys. Being a single, young female- this is something that is part of my every day… If I like it or not.

Now, I have no issues with guys. I mean they do serve some purpose, and I am very lucky to have many great Men a part of my life. It just so happens that the majority of the ones who fancy me tend to be a waste of time. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but I do not have any extra time to waste. So I am about to share some easy ways to know when you are about to be robbed of precious time.

You know when someone is going to be a waste of time when they go on and on about how they want to meet a woman who is direct, mature, has her shit together, [Insert any other great qualities here], etc. It sounds so great doesn’t it? Finally a Man who wants an equal- well let me fill you in on something… it’s total bullshit. Most guys don’t like feeling upstaged, and lets face it… the basic 20 something year old male is not bringing much to the table. They are not secure enough to share or be upstaged by their partner. They only state they want these qualities to fool you into believing they are mature and secure.

The second tip on if someone is a waste of time is if they ever say the phrase, “I don’t want a girlfriend right now but I do want to meet someone I can connect with, and see where it goes… I just am not ready for a commitment yet.” The reason this phrase is a great clue is because most of the time the female translates it into, “Oh he just wants to take it slow and get to know me..” WRONG. What this usually means is… I just want to get laid, but I don’t want you to know that, but once I sleep with you and never talk to you again- I want to be able to cover myself by saying, “I told you I didn’t want a commitment.” They will try to sell to you over and over again that they aren’t in it for just the sex, but they are. You’ll know because if it takes longer than a couple days to get with you- and they realize it might not follow through- they will be gone faster than you can imagine.

The third one is my favorite, “You can trust me.” Anyone who says this phrase should never be trusted. They will try to draw you in by disclosing something personal about themselves so you feel as if they really opened up and trust you… therefore you should do the same. Never bite this line. No normal person is going to feel so connected by you after a few casual encounters to be so vulnerable. So even if they are being honest- they are unstable for allowing themselves to feel “so connected” so quickly.

[There is more- but these are my starter ones.]

Now I have probably broken your spirit, but that is not my goal here- because the great thing about knowing peoples game moves is you can prepare with a counter move when presented with the situation. If you allow someone to believe they are in control, they won’t suspect you to know better. The thing about guys who play the same script over and over again… is they become over confident in their abilities. If you are anything like me- I hate when someone attempts to play me for a fool due to assuming I am “just another girl.” Rather then getting upset and vouching to never date again- I figure, if you are going to play a game- don’t get upset when I beat you in it.

Now how do you out school a guy like this? Tune in to a future blog for tips. 

-K.G.C